I’m in college and I don’t drink alcohol. Here’s why.

You hear over and over and over again “just be yourself”. It’s on every refrigerator magnet, customized mug at Target and cliche piece of advice parents give as you enter the 8th grade. “Just be yourself and it will all work out”. Harder than it seems.

What people fail to realize is that very few people actually want to be themselves. Most people just want to be exactly just like everyone else. We are embarrassed about our failures, we hide from our insecurities, and we write off our curiosities because they are deemed as weird or unimportant. Society fails us from the start by putting us in systems that encourage us all to fit in- and telling us there is something seriously wrong with us if we don’t.

The truth is, its fucking scary to be yourself. And it has taken me twenty years to realize that being like everyone else is absolutely terrifying. Here’s a way in which I ran away from this mundane and terrifying pattern, feeling more alive, valued and independent than ever.

I had a very random, but extremely euphoric thought in the shower one morning during my freshman year of college. The previous night I had attended one of my several spring sorority formal events. There was expensive dress buying, dancing, photos, pregame, busses and well yes- the usual partying at a club downtown. Let me assure you the event was nothing out of the ordinary- there wasn’t a horror story night of drunk girls ending up in a hospital or anything like that. However, reflection upon this ordinary event will have jump-started what is now one of the most important decisions I have made in my life thus far.

I wasn’t going to drink alcohol ever again.

That was what I had decided before I turned off the showerhead and retrieved my towel to dry off.

At the time I was nineteen years old and living in the communal dorms at the University of San Diego. I was extremely outgoing, lively, and highly social, rarely missing an opportunity to be around friends. I was the girl at the party to dance until the music stopped and the one to play games with the boys when they needed an extra person. Frankly, I didn’t really care what others thought about me. I never really have. But it occurred to me that Sunday morning, that maybe this wasn’t entirely true. I was doing something over and over again because I had rationalized that it’s just what you do when you are in college, not because I had particularly wanted to. You drink alcohol and party with your friends when you are 19, it’s college. While normal for most, let me explain why this was problematic for me.

I knew from a young age that if I didn’t want to drink, I shouldn’t. And I especially shouldn’t let anyone force me into it. Here I’m talking about the classic “if your friend tells you to drink and to, come on just try it, you can tell them no and just get a red solo cup and fill it with water, just act like you are drinking” scenario that we are all aware of. And might I share that I have never experienced this scenario ever, in high school or college. People want their alcohol for themselves, even going to lengths of hiding it from others. It was much deeper than someone trying to get me drunk and me doing it because I wanted to feel accepted or cool. I had come to the conclusion that I was subconsciously letting society force me into drinking when I didn’t want to drink. When I stopped, thought and reflected upon this, I realized it was toxic and in fact, problematic. I decided to stop drinking altogether, and because of this, I became a lot happier.

To be very blunt, I rarely drank alcohol, to begin with. I didn’t like the taste and I really didn’t see a point. But on occasion, I would, and I always regretted it. Yes, I am aware this might seem like an absurd comment from a 19-year-old to say, obviously alcohol is illegal at 19 anyway. Well duh- but let me remind you that we live in a society where the core existence of social interaction revolves around drinking in some form, especially in high school and college. And the truth was I felt sick of alcohol before I could legally try it. I was disgusted by how I felt the day after drinking, frustrated by friends who became backstabbing and untrustworthy after a few and exhausted by the constant years of turmoil and disappointment alcohol has brought my family by people who couldn’t handle their alcohol. Drunk people meant disappointments. Always. I had spent countless nights taking care of friends, driving people who didn’t remember the next morning, and receiving drunk messages (followed by apologies) the next morning from boys who I barely even knew. Alcohol simply was never worth the temporary “fun” for me. Ever.

However, I kept rationalizing it in my head over and over again. I was a freshman in college. I liked to go out and I wanted to have fun so I partied with my friends because it’s college and that’s what you do? I see this thought process all the time with my parents and friends. It’s a Friday night and people drink on Friday nights so sure, I don’t particularly want to drink but it’s a Friday night, right? If it was a Monday night it might not have been a question. See what I mean? The situation does not need to define the outcome.

I don’t judge people who decide to drink. I am not trying to make the point that alcohol is bad and you should never do it. In fact, I’m saying the opposite. I’m saying you have the power to make decisions based on your personal truth, rather than letting the situation define it for you. Through this explanation is my declaration of how I found power and inner peace by going out sober.

I realized a lot of things in the shower that morning. You are entitled to think this would never work for you, and that you need alcohol as “liquid courage” to talk to the guy you like or to say what’s actually on your mind. The point I am trying to make is that being social and having fun doesn’t have to equal getting drunk. I am not a better person now that I don’t drink, I am a happier person because I am able to define my truth, even if it means that I am not always fitting in.

Cheers to whatever is in your cup.

xx,

Micha Beach